Had a rough time of it lately – and it occurred to me; I have not be doing therapeutic writing for a while. I guess I’ve been functional for a minute – I just get into what I need to do and go do it.
I have been suffering for it.
See, when the lights go out and we stop the bants, we go to our houses and crawl under the sheets. Sometimes, it gets so bad – we wake up and start crying, because we were hoping to not wake up on this side of things.
Sometimes, it gets lonely as hell.
To the people who know me, talking about personal stuff is hard as hell. There’s nothing ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ about it, I’m just not used to it. Truth is, I have been storing stuff ALL MY LIFE.
And not too long ago, I felt like I couldn’t take anymore. I was breaking.
I began to think of dying. Not committing suicide – not directly anyways; but maybe wandering into the path of an oncoming vehicle. God help me if it didn’t kill me immediately.
I was just tired, you know?
I felt alone; felt like there was this load on my head I couldn’t shift. The headaches got worse; I started to gain weight though I was eating less and less. It was bad.
Worse? I was lonely. Self-pity started creeping in. And even though I had just released what I consider the most important book of my career so far, the fulfillment I was hoping would come with it wasn’t there.
I still wouldn’t – couldn’t talk. People would reach out; my friends would reach out, I’d say I’m fine – but my tweets would still be dark and depressing.
I know; people have been throwing a problem shared is half-solved into my face all my life. However, I can tell you sometimes; that shit don’t work. Especially when the ‘problem’ is one you can’t articulate no matter how hard you try. How can you explain something you don’t fully understand?
However, if there’s one thing I learned from this phase; it’s to NEVER ISOLATE MYSELF. No matter what, even if I have difficulty talking about my issues, it helps to be around friends, people who matter. And sometimes, talking about things you care about, talking with the people you love about the things they love just helps you put things in perspective.
Sometimes, you should go out when you least feel like it. Sometimes, that’s all the healing you need. Sometimes, just raise your head and breath.
I’m not where I’d like to be yet. But I’m not where I was – and sometimes, that’s enough.
Love and light.