We, the people of Atlantis would like to share our thoughts on the movie Aquaman.
First of all – congratulations to DC for finally making a movie that makes it into the billion-dollar range. CONGRATULATIONS. We’re happy for you – even though you made it by creating an Atlantis VERY DIFFERENT from the one we live in.
Now congratulations are out of the way, let’s get down to it.
Queen Atlanna was the most realistic of all the people who supposedly come from Atlantis – though, swallowing goldfish? Really, ‘Queen’?
But we’ll let that pass.
You should wonder though – right after us, what it took exactly for the runway queen to fall in love with the lighthouse keeper. Was it because she had never seen a man before? Wait; supposedly there are males who look exactly like that in that Atlantis. Was she trying to shame the Atlantean king she was arranged to marry – or was it just ‘woman’s intuition’ that guided her to him – after all, they were destined to parent a fishboy?
As an aside – she didn’t run very far, did she? Ran all the way from Atlantis – only to stop at a lighthouse right at shore. Not very queenly – by our standards, at least.
And the child who would be king – what exactly is his ‘why’? He carries the guilt of being the reason his mother was sacrificed – but that’s about it. Everything else he carries is on the outside – tattoos and a six-pack that makes him look like he could out-superman Superman – and no kidding. We saw that movie too.
By the way, this child who would be king could NEVER be a king of ours. Why, you ask? Well, you have to wonder why a supposed king would know his way around Atlantis in one movie (Justice League actually) and suddenly need help in another movie. Could it be the alcohol?
And oh, we get the ‘Arthur’ narrative – but making him journey to earth’s core to pull a sword (well, trident, same difference) out of stone (a dead king’s grip) to prove his kingship – come on. Is originality still a thing up there?
We guess not, seeing how this story is just many parts Black Panther, many parts Thor and so on. Let us not even talk about the redhead whose job it is to show this wannabe king just how inept he is. So what exactly qualifies him to be king? Birthright?
Still, there is a lot to like. Down here, our opinions differ on certain parts of the movie. I like the detailing – like how Mera’s ceremonial dress was made of jellyfish and seagrass. I mean, an octopus as a ceremonial drummer?! Sign me up!
But not all of us feel like that.
Some of us feel like the colors were garish and over-bright and that you have NO IDEA what Atlantis is supposed to look like. The computer-generated fish and lobsters are icky. Maybe, but I understand the need. I mean, what else could you have done?
The bad guy, Orm is more like we would expect our king to be; decisive, strong and bold – and completely in the right. Of course, we expect you surface dwellers to disagree; after all it is your world he is threatening. However, consider this; if you’re not stopped, all of sea life is in jeopardy. How hard a choice is it to make then?
Though, for the record, we all laughed when he said ‘no, don’t call me king. I am Ocean Master’. Yeah, alright.
The second bad guy – Black Manta too stole our hearts. But did he have to look like a manta? No offense – it is hard to take anyone in that kind of helmet serious. Even he kept mumbling his name – but his performance was – .
Your actor, Mamoa would have been better suited playing that white-faced bounty hunter, Lobo who lives for the fight. There’s nothing royal about this upstart, hardly anything Atlantean about him either – except that he can talk to fish and glide under water. And also, it was good seeing Wilhelm Dafoe on the side of the angels again (John Wick, anyone?) – but he is quite wasted in the role, as is Nicole Kidman, our beloved (insert underwater snort here) queen.
We like Mera – even though we thought she is the token ‘strong woman’, and we also think it is cute how she goes from all-savvy Atlantean to out-of-her-depth Atlantean. I mean, eating roses?
Yuck. And the ‘romance’ with Arthur? That shit looked like it belongs in Zee World.
All in all, a thoroughly entertaining movie which stayed mostly true to its source – which; as I explained over and over to my fellow Atlanteans; are comics, and not home.