Ori To Ma Jeko
We never learn.
Or maybe I should speak for myself. I don’t know.
Have a lot of alone time these days – and with that comes reflection.
Maybe too much of that – because I used to not live with regrets; I mean when I do things they’re usually well thought out. Especially things that involve someone else. Other people.
It’s the same reason I do not ask for advice. I am responsible for my life – so I do whatever I think is best.
Let the cards fall where they may.
But it’s at that point where all I see whenever I try to take a look around are the mistakes I’ve made. Everything I’ve done wrong.
It’s becoming harder and harder to be hopeful.
The title of this piece is actually half of a Yoruba saying; ‘ori to ma jeko; to ba wo moto a yo ri sita pe olomi tutu’ which loosely translated means ‘the head that will get knocked; even in a car will poke itself out to call for cold pure water’.
In other words; karma’s a bitch. Or maybe; more specifically, fate’s a bitch.
As said before, alone time makes for a lot of reflecting. And reflecting makes for regrets nowadays. Observing past relationships (all relationships; not romantic ones alone; thank you) I observe a pattern. History keeps repeating itself because I am the one anomaly; I have that one ability to fuck things up in astronomical ways. I like to take time after the end of one such; take time and reflect on whatever I did wrong – figure out where I missed it.
But then; I end up doing the exact same thing all over again.
I never learn.
So these days I come to ask myself – ‘what’s the point?’
I mean – why bother? I know all those cliches – ‘today’s another chance to get it right’ ‘you can always do better’ and all those positive self-help bullshit lines.
I know them – and these days they don’t mean much.
Things are always going to be this bleak. I’m always going to be this incredible mess.
It is what it is. I hate pity – so spare me none.
I remember a time – not so long ago when I settled into life as an atheist. More than anything else, that perspective made me understand that I am in control of my life – whatever happens to me happens because of something I did or didn’t do. I learned to take responsibility for my actions.
I mean, Nietzsche did say ‘Christianity is a religion for the weak’.
It took a while to understand that God is not assuming responsibility for my life. He’s giving me a choice; a better way to live – but surrendering to that is up to me.
Maybe that’s why He’s been awful quiet lately – the reality that I don’t think I really want to be happy.
Sounds insane, no?
I just look at the ‘happy’ things around me – and I shake my head. Because happiness doesn’t last. There’s no such thing as a happy ending. This world is NEVER going to get better – trust me; it’ll get progressively more and more hopeless.
Sadness is a security blanket for me. I know it – it’s familiar. It fits like a perfect-sized shoe; like a surgeon’s gloves. It doesn’t come disguised as something else; it doesn’t pretend. I know it.
And because I know it; I’m comfortable with it.
Happiness? Not so much.
You see; I’ve come to come to feel that it really doesn’t last. It’s exactly like perfect weather; in Lagos – only temporary. And it comes with disguises too. Looking like it’s here to stay – and then vanishing; almost as quickly as it showed up.
It’s an illusion. I’ve come to accept that.
So, I’m no longer swimming against the tide. It is what it is; I understand that now.
Don’t worry; however. I am not going to commit suicide. Not anytime soon. There are voices in my head telling me I have nothing to live for; but I make it a point to ignore them even though I agree. Maybe I don’t have anything to live for; I do have things that live for me.
So why am I putting this out here?
Because I’m not the only who feels this way. I’m not the only who’s asking God; anyone for a reason to keep going. I’m not the only guy who scrambles for the darkest corners when the lights come on – because he is afraid that the world will see just how ugly he
And also; for all you self-righteous judgmental fucks out there;
Scratch the ‘ONLY’.