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In Which I Rant About The Use Of My Dick – Or Lack Of It

I thought the days of proving your manhood by how many women you’ve been with were done with and over.

Apparently, I languish in ignorance.

Therefore, to whom it may concern, find the extended version of my apology – or lack of one – below.

I had no idea my decision to be celibate would make you; my ‘friend’, ‘padi’ and/or ‘confidante’ uncomfortable. You see, I didn’t choose to tell you because I somehow understood – even long before we got to this point – that it is important not to cast my pearls before swine.

Butter no be monkey food, after all.

But your concern after your numerous attempts to hook me up with several pliant and willing women kept coming to naught helped loosen my tongue; albeit unwisely, as I have come to realize.

Still, I am grateful for your perception of the fact that I am not missing any bit of game. In fact, if anything can be said – my game is more on point than ever; now I no longer have petty distractions to deal with.

I just have decided to stay off sex for the moment.

Anyways, I have come to accept your offense concerning my stance – accept; but not understand. If I am not bothered by your huge appetite for copious amounts of sex, why does my lack of an appetite bother you?

“What is he trying to prove?” I hear you ask. Well, I turn that question back to you.

What are YOU trying to prove?

You think the fact that you cannot resist a gigantic behind or massive ‘fronts’ makes you better than me? Hey – I gladly concede. You ARE the better man of us two – even the society we live in agrees with you; so why do you still think we are competing?

You are not my competition; the man hasn’t been born that I can compete with – simply because the terms and conditions of life do not make for that – competition.

Actually I lied. There’s one man I am very much in a position to compete with – the one man I can compete with and beat.

The man who looks back at me every time I look in the mirror.

That’s the only man I am interested in being better than; that is the only standard (other than Jesus) I look to. Therefore, I do not, cannot and will not judge you – I expect it’s only fair to ask that you do not judge me either; and that you respect my decision.

No. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my balls.

You know better than that – or at least I expect you to – because you; better than most know full well where I am coming from. You know what I used to be like; what my relating with women bordered on. You know when and how my relationship with my mother improved; and how that improved my relationship with women generally.

You know where I have been.

Therefore, I am sorry if I do not have new colorful stories to contribute to the conversation when you and your pals are talking about your conquests – in fact; I am sorry I do not have any stories at all. I am sorry I do not have any raw or ribald jokes to share; I am sorry I do not have nude pictures of my ‘impressive’ number of girlfriends; past or present to display before your hungry eyes.

For the sake of clarity; I do not think for one second that makes me better than anyone other than myself. I just – I just do not roll that way.

I know who I am. And that; is not it.

Is it too much to ask that you leave me alone in my ‘inability to talk to women’, ‘my gayness’ – or whatever reason you came up with yesterday to explain my ‘unexplainable’ behavior?

I didn’t think so.

Thank you.

And to the other ‘you’, the ‘you’ who thinks every man is the same because every guy you’ve ever shown your boobs starts making promises concerning a certain airport or a certain stadium; welcome to the real world.

Not all of us are suckers for boobs. Some of us men are just boring like that.

Understand; that ‘boring’ bit is sarcasm – because I know a lot of ‘you’ find guys without vices unrealistic, non-existent or plain boring. I mean, isn’t it amusing how you sing your little choruses of ‘all men are the same’ and then you meet one that’s ‘different’ – and have absolutely no idea what to do with him?

But I digress.

Point is; I’m not into the business of setting ‘P’, ‘X’, ‘Y’ or any other alphabet on or off social media. Don’t misunderstand; I like the attention as much as anyone else – but I do not thrive on it. It does not define me. I’m just online; usually; to share my thoughts/opinions; ignorant and uneducated as they are – and learn a thing or two from other people who share my interests – or not.

And more importantly – to connect; see if people like me can find each other. But if there’s one thing I am not online for; it’s booty call. You dig?

Therefore; forgive me when you get a brusque reply to your request that we ‘hook up’ or the nude pictures you send to my email. I like breasts and butts as much as the next guy – but not to the point I forget why I’m here.

Or maybe I’m gay. After all, I am catching feelings for someone named Scott.

Don’t get it twisted; I love sex. I find the biology and chemistry of it quite fascinating. I like waist beads and chains, I’m attracted to some strategically-positioned tattoo, I like dressing up, role playing – in fact; my favorite position is –

None of your business; actually.

I just need you to understand; the same way you have the right to throw it in the way of whoever you decide to; I have the same right to turn it down. The fact that you wouldn’t eat Mr. Biggs meat pie does not make Mr. Biggs meat pie bad; it just means you don’t like it.

Is that so difficult to understand?

No; I do not want to sleep with you; knock boots with you, bump pelvises with you, fuck you – or whatever new name sex is called. There’s nothing wrong with you physically or otherwise far as I can see – and even if there was; I wouldn’t know. I’m not a doctor.

I’m not better – or ‘holier’ than you for that matter. I just don’t want to have sex with you.

Point blank period.

Let me see if I can say it French – maybe that would help:

Je ne veux pa sexe avec toi.

Forgive the errors – if there are any. I didn’t want to use Google translator and my French is nowhere near perfect yet.

You sha get the point.

More importantly; I think – no; I definitely reserve the right to rescind my celibacy decision the moment this post goes up – or not to. My life. My choices. My decisions.

Respect that. Or not.

Your fine-ass cup of boiling Nescafe – or herbal tea – or Milo.

Good morning!

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23 responses

  1. bshaba

    Woooooooooooooooooow!

    I’m tempted to send this to someone who called me a lesbian cos I don’t parade boys on my DP…lol

    Thank you for this!

    May 5, 2015 at 9:09 am

  2. Seun! Seun!! Seun!!!
    i reserve my comment

    May 5, 2015 at 5:27 pm

  3. Tope

    Well I find this post interesting to read, knowing that Seun Odukoya is a good writer. I have my own reservations and of course, my own points too.

    I read this, firstly as a masculine reply to Jite Emafuaye’s Celibacy and I could relate to the idea of being celibate. It gave a full understanding of what nonreligious celibacy means and entails.

    And to think I’m glad that someone can speak for those of us who are not sucker for boobs, kisses and vagina. We love the appeal really, but we’re complicated like that.

    My reservation is actually with the online/social media angle to this story, I think it doesn’t cut. Social Media isn’t real Life. What goes on in social media, should stay on social media. It doesn’t really add an ounce to this post. But what do I know.

    The post for me, ended after the 29th paragraph. Again, what I do know.

    Good stuff. anyways, I’m already piling my best blog posts for the month of May and I’ve marked this one down.

    I enjoyed this.

    May 5, 2015 at 5:30 pm

  4. Hmmmmmmmmm

    May 5, 2015 at 9:07 pm

  5. Samuel Okopi

    An interesting read, Seun. Everyone should have a right to his/her choices, within the limits of agreed social conventions. *Now that’s a paradox, no?*

    May 6, 2015 at 4:31 am

  6. Good read
    HashtagNotopeerpressure.

    May 6, 2015 at 9:52 am

  7. Damn! This is some matter of fact rant!

    May 6, 2015 at 10:18 am

  8. EOD

    wheew! heart felt rant! but the message was clear! And I hope the ‘to whom it may concern’ gets it too?

    May 7, 2015 at 4:25 pm

  9. Seun! Sorry, Bros Seun, you do well with this message. Please do not call it rant, it is a message. Wise words sef…About self identity, choices, focus and being real and true to one’s self. Not following herd mentality and daring to be different despite opinions of society. It applies to not just sex, but every other thing too.

    “You are not my competition; the man hasn’t been born that I can compete with – simply because the terms and conditions of life do not make for that – competition.

    Actually I lied. There’s one man I am very much in a position to compete with – the one man I can compete with and beat.

    The man who looks back at me every time I look in the mirror.”

    Now that was the killer message!

    Shey I don tell you say I wan be like you when I grow up? I doff my hat…you have a way with words that cuts right to the core of issues…

    Okay, let me stop…

    May 7, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    • Whoa. Topaz!

      Thanks, man. Thank you.

      I’m privileged.

      May 7, 2015 at 6:31 pm

  10. Took me a while to read this, but I’m glad I actually took the time. To parrot: great writ, absolute wonder, and other adjectives and phrases is a great disservice to you. I’ve met you, related with you and on rare days when I encounter myself I point at you. You sir are a rare breed.

    That said, and to pander to the crowd anyway, really great message. Thanks for telling us again to STFU and mind our business. Pardon my French. Yeah, that’s how I speak the lingo…

    Peace.

    PS: it’s been a sec, are you still very busy, and how’ve you been?

    May 8, 2015 at 4:43 pm

    • Derin.

      Good afternoon. Been a minute man.

      Thank you so much. I’m amazing.

      How have you been?

      May 8, 2015 at 5:04 pm

  11. miss Phareey

    Apt!!!! Some people really need to read this! Having slept with numerous guys/girls doesn’t make u more of a man/woman than the next person. Sigh!

    May 10, 2015 at 8:45 am

  12. Ibukun

    Being a teenager, this post is everything for me! Omgg it would baffle you the number of people who indulge in sex just so they can have stuff to talk about and not feel left out with their friends. Most of them would rather not but hey! Anything to be named a twitter/instagram bad guy yh? God bless you for this!

    May 15, 2015 at 12:28 am

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