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School For Slaps; or Happy Birthday In Absentia Mum!

 

I have to be honest. I’m one of the people that think mums go a certain school to learn the art of slapping.

 

Or maybe it’s a woman thing.

 

But it seems as though mothers have it on lock the most. I mean, they so understand the art – they know what effect to create by hitting you with a particular part of their hand. They know how to shock you, hurt you, jerk tears from your eyes and so on.

 

The Art Of Slapping.

 

The first time; (as far as I remember) I ever got intimate with the flat of a woman’s hand was via my mum. It was also the day I learnt that the human mind also receives static – just like the TV used to; back in the day before the multicolored lines appeared; before the National Anthem was sung.

 

On NTA.

 

Anyways, that fateful night she’d sent me to go get something for her from a neighbor’s store. I hurried out of the house because the store belonged to one of my friend’s mum and there was always some gist to catch. On arriving the store, I met my friend and a couple of girls.

 

Now, it’s important you understand; I was still in my teens and something was really worrying me back then. I think it was around the time a senior in school had pointed out to me that the thing on females’ heads was not fire or flames; it was just hair – just like I had. So I was raring to practice my newfound confidence on every available female.

 

You can imagine my delight when I spotted the two ‘victims’.

 

Without much ado I began to flow and postulate and…I was sha yarning a lot of what I realize now must have been dust; but neither I nor the girls noticed.

 

Something else I forgot to notice?

 

Time elapsing.

 

I was so carried away with what I was saying and the looks on the girls’ faces that – I had entirely forgotten someone was waiting for me at home.

 

The first inclination of trouble I had was an eerie feeling that someone was standing behind me – and I guess that was what made the whole thing worse.

 

I turned – and therefore what should have been a slap; something designed for just my ear ended up hitting my ear AND eye.

 

Damn.

 

I think I tuned in to the satellite that gave NTA feeds that night. NOTE: It was night, and there was no power.

 

But all that made no difference. I was receiving static loud and clear.

 

Somehow, I staggered from that store and made it home without bumping into anyone or anything. How I did that, till now I haven’t figured out.

 

But this is my point. That slap set me straight.

 

And that; the ability to slap the sh*t out of any living thing, was the least of my mum’s talents. She definitely slapped a lot of nonsense out of me – not to talk of the other things; the caning, flogging…

 

She saved my life.

 

She died two years ago (August 27th) – a day to her birthday. And in spite of the pain that hasn’t diminished even the slightest – it’s as though she jumps out from behind the shadows of every naughty kid being chastised by a loving mother – I still have so many reasons to be thankful she was my mum. The above was just one of many.

 

I just wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday; and maybe take her out to Chicken Republic like I did, on her last birthday alive – and feed her ice cream while the other customers looked offended; thinking I was there with my sugar mummy…

 

Happy Birthday Momma!

 

 

 

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18 responses

  1. Happy birthday, Mommy.
    Your slaps did set him straight. Thank you for raising such a fine gentleman.
    Till we meet again…

    August 28, 2014 at 9:20 am

  2. Yemie

    A touching, pretty hilarious piece! Its funny how we tend to loathe and despise our parents for their chastisement of us as teens and then suddenly see the light as adults and give ‘props’ to ’em for raising us right!

    May the Good Lord continually rest her soul and may you find more strength for each and everyday to go on without her IJN, Amen. Thanks for sharing!

    August 28, 2014 at 11:15 am

  3. I am so sorry about your loss.

    My mom didn’t use to slap, she pinched, beat with cane, stood up and chased but no slaps.

    PS. Like I said on my post, I would love to be your friend, that’s cool. The best friend position? It is reserved for the LORD Jesus. I love saying that my best friend was born in a manger.
    Thanks for asking and I hope you would be satisfied with friend. I am interested in a guest post collabo, is that what it is called. How would you love to do a guest post for moi? I will do the same for you any time you ask.

    Would you like to write you or shall I write it for you?

    August 28, 2014 at 11:31 am

  4. Mothers….God’s choicest creation…
    Wishing her a happy birthday…in the present, cos she lives on…
    The pain is a testimony of how great she was, it’s not diminishing cos her greatness can’t. I pray for strength to bear the pain, and much love to fill your heart to make life beautiful…

    August 28, 2014 at 1:36 pm

  5. Mothers rock. Totally. Slaps of life that will hit the reset button of your destiny.
    Yep! Only mothers are good at that.
    Happy birthday to your mum.
    There’s a birthday bash for her tonight in Heaven, I’m sure.
    Whoop whoop!!

    August 28, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    • Oge…

      Na wa o. See tears.

      Thank you.

      August 28, 2014 at 10:42 pm

  6. “Orisa bi iya kosi laye”. It’s obvious you were raised by a queen. I wish I could have met her, thanked her for the sundry slaps that made you who you are, but over time I’m getting to know about her and I really hope I’ll get to to know her a lot more.

    August 29, 2014 at 10:22 am

    • Thank you, Elizabeth.

      Thank you so much.

      August 29, 2014 at 11:47 am

  7. I smiled reading through this. Happy birthday Mama Odukoya. Seun she did you good.

    August 29, 2014 at 2:54 pm

  8. Happy birthday to your mum. She lives on

    August 29, 2014 at 8:52 pm

  9. Happy post humous.birthday to your mum Seun

    Mother’s are a blessing

    August 31, 2014 at 12:42 pm

  10. Adeleke Julianah

    Wow.
    Couldn’t stop laughing at that story up there.
    Mums are wonderful like that.
    So sad she’s no more.
    But I’m very sure she will be proud of the man you have become.
    May her soul continue to rest in peace…

    Happy Birthday Anniversary to Her…

    August 29, 2015 at 1:45 am

    • Thank you plenty, Jules. So nice to see you here!

      Good morning.

      August 29, 2015 at 2:27 am

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