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Dear Mum

 

It has been somehow living without you. I know I say it ALL the time; and I probably sound like a broken record by now…but that does not change anything. It does not make it easier.

 

I can’t lie, every time someone says something about their mother my heart breaks a little.

 

You were my best friend for a while – and I don’t think I milked the relationship for what it was worth.

 

But at least we made up before you left. I’m thankful for that. Else, guilt would have killed me.

 

I can’t stand to listen to Tupac’s Dear Mama anymore. I just start tearing up.

 

I was standing in front of a bus line this evening, wondering as I always do, whether to go home or just sit and think. And then this boy came running, bumped into me hard.

 

I caught him in time before he careened into the street, and his mother came running up. She grabbed him from me, and screamed ‘Lekan! Why did you do that? Do you want to kill me?”

 

Mother and son started crying.

 

But you know what got to me, mum? The boy, amidst his tears said, “I’m sorry mommy. Stop crying. I didn’t mean to hurt you – I’m sorry mommy.”

 

Mother says, “You know I love you.”

 

Boy answers, “I know mommy. You love me more than anything else.”

 

And grown man that I am, I just started crying.

 

I quietly walked away – and I am walking home as I write this.

 

You would probably tear your hair in frustration concerning those long walks of mine. Yes, I haven’t stopped.

 

But I have stopped most of everything else.

 

Yeah. I miss you, mama. Miss you so much.

 

But I’m not bitter anymore. You see, God is filling the hole you left; slowly, patiently and with attention. With love and care.

 

And with time, I’ll go back to enjoying music and smile instead of crying. I’ll be able to watch other people play with their mothers and not feel jealous.

 

Tell God I finally got it, mum.

 

It took a while, but I got it. And I’m grateful.

 

Love always from your baby.

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12 responses

  1. *SIgh, I can say I feel your pain, I can say I relate but honestly, no one can comfort you more than the holyspirit. It is well. I pray Your Mother rests in peace. I’m sure she’s proud of you, someway, somehow.

    You’ll get through it.

    December 16, 2013 at 7:11 pm

  2. bshaba

    This is very touching. It makes one smile with tears. Stay strong bro. God will keep strengthening you to get through the pain.
    Thank you for reminding us to maximize opportunities in existing relationships. Thank you for sharing this.
    If virtual hugs work, then receive one from me, I hope you feel comforted.

    December 16, 2013 at 7:35 pm

  3. Nneka

    I know how this feels. The pain never goes away. The void is never filled. Just that with time,the heart manufactures its own analgesics. I can only continually pray for God’s comfort to flood your heart. Be strong. As you’ve been so far.

    December 16, 2013 at 8:16 pm

  4. Though we never really stop hurting over the loss of our loved ones, we learn to cherish their memories and honor them by living our lives to the fullest, something they would have wanted us to do. They would want us to miss them but not to miss out on living our lives and being happy…

    I’m sure your mum would be proud of you, rejoicing in your every achievement and rooting for you all the way…

    And then someday…you will get there…that place where you can listen to music…and not be jealous when you see other people play with their mothers, when you will even smile with nostalgia at the good memories it brings of the times you spent with her…

    December 17, 2013 at 9:32 am

  5. jady24

    I totally understand this because I’ve been there or rather, still there.
    She would always be with you so remember her with smiles and not think of it as a loss but rather as a part of you that would always be.

    December 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

  6. May the Comforter continue to comfort you and your family.

    December 17, 2013 at 5:07 pm

  7. this was deep and personal. Thank you for sharing with us. Beautiful piece

    December 18, 2013 at 10:53 am

  8. This is wonderful. Gives me one more reason to appreciate my mom. I told to her “Mom, I’ll celebrate you while you’re here” and I try to do that.
    I pray you find comfort as you remember your Mom.

    December 25, 2013 at 11:56 am

  9. chezura

    This made me cry at work! I can relate totally cos I’m in the same place. No one tells u how the pain never goes away completely, how its just dulled by the passage if time…and reawakens from time to time especially when you see others with/around their moms, being an adult has nothing to do with how u can’t control that particular pain. 6yrs on, I still can’t deal. That said, sorry for ur loss. To all the mommies we’ve lost, we love u n we know you’ve always got ur babies backs.
    In other news, ur blog is lovely. . Been reading all day. Keep it up!

    March 31, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    • Thank you so much for visiting. And staying. Thank you so much for sharing.

      Thank you. It’s nice to know there’s someone out there who shares the feelings. All of it.

      March 31, 2014 at 6:17 pm

  10. ….and I cried.
    God rest her soul

    January 31, 2015 at 6:16 am

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