It has been somehow living without you. I know I say it ALL the time; and I probably sound like a broken record by now…but that does not change anything. It does not make it easier.
I can’t lie, every time someone says something about their mother my heart breaks a little.
You were my best friend for a while – and I don’t think I milked the relationship for what it was worth.
But at least we made up before you left. I’m thankful for that. Else, guilt would have killed me.
I can’t stand to listen to Tupac’s Dear Mama anymore. I just start tearing up.
I was standing in front of a bus line this evening, wondering as I always do, whether to go home or just sit and think. And then this boy came running, bumped into me hard.
I caught him in time before he careened into the street, and his mother came running up. She grabbed him from me, and screamed ‘Lekan! Why did you do that? Do you want to kill me?”
Mother and son started crying.
But you know what got to me, mum? The boy, amidst his tears said, “I’m sorry mommy. Stop crying. I didn’t mean to hurt you – I’m sorry mommy.”
Mother says, “You know I love you.”
Boy answers, “I know mommy. You love me more than anything else.”
And grown man that I am, I just started crying.
I quietly walked away – and I am walking home as I write this.
You would probably tear your hair in frustration concerning those long walks of mine. Yes, I haven’t stopped.
But I have stopped most of everything else.
Yeah. I miss you, mama. Miss you so much.
But I’m not bitter anymore. You see, God is filling the hole you left; slowly, patiently and with attention. With love and care.
And with time, I’ll go back to enjoying music and smile instead of crying. I’ll be able to watch other people play with their mothers and not feel jealous.
Tell God I finally got it, mum.
It took a while, but I got it. And I’m grateful.
Love always from your baby.