Dust and Ashes
That is…that was my mother.
I had a moment during the funeral service – a moment in which I was just thinking about her and how much of a good son I was or had been.
It wasn’t much.
I kept thinking about the times when she would ask me to do something for her; run an errand or something. And I would just say ‘I’m busy’ in a really rude way. Though I would usually go back and eventually run the errand; but it still did not change the fact that I turned her down at first. And probably hurt her.
I kept thinking about the times when she would ask me for something and though I had it; I’d probably put my needs first. I kept thinking about the times when she would want to talk with me and because I was in a hurry I wouldn’t give her time of day. Sure; we usually got back to it and I spent time…a lot of time with her regularly; I just can’t help but feel bad about the ones I missed.
I think what happens when someone dies is – you start to remember EVERYTHING you did wrong; where and when you missed it. And then you start to feel guilty. At least, that’s usually true for me.
But I know for a fact that while I had a beautiful relationship with my mum, I could have done more. Been more. Show her more.
I love her. Really do. And she knew before she died.
I keep hoping she would come back – so I could try harder to be a better son. I would…I would…
But I also know that if she had not gone; if she wasn’t dead, I probably would have just gone on treating her the same way I had been.
Look, I’m tired of the ‘be strong’ ‘be a man’ that characterizes every one of my conversations these days. Don’t get me wrong; I understand completely that half the time people don’t know what to say. I understand that it’s their way of saying ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I care’ and so on. But…
It hurts. So much. So much.
As I go about my day, I still feel as though someone’s playing a mean prank on me. I still expect someone to call me from home and tell me ‘your mum is here – she just slept for a bit’. I still expect to receive a call from her asking me if I would come home and what I would like for dinner.
I still expect to wake up.
I try not to think of how long; if ever, it’ll be before I get to see her again. I…
I hope you learn to appreciate your mother and your father if you still have them; and everyone around you better after reading this. I hope you all care for people who care for you. Forgive that ex. Value that spouse. Appreciate that mother. Thank that father. Hug that son. Get to know that daughter.
It’s no use; it makes no sense sending people flowers when they can no longer smell them.