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Dust and Ashes

Isn’t She…?

That is…that was my mother.

I had a moment during the funeral service – a moment in which I was just thinking about her and how much of a good son I was or had been.

It wasn’t much.

I kept thinking about the times when she would ask me to do something for her; run an errand or something. And I would just say ‘I’m busy’ in a really rude way. Though I would usually go back and eventually run the errand; but it still did not change the fact that I turned her down at first. And probably hurt her.

I kept thinking about the times when she would ask me for something and though I had it; I’d probably put my needs first. I kept thinking about the times when she would want to talk with me and because I was in a hurry I wouldn’t give her time of day. Sure; we usually got back to it and I spent time…a lot of time with her regularly; I just can’t help but feel bad about the ones I missed.

I think what happens when someone dies is – you start to remember EVERYTHING you did wrong; where and when you missed it. And then you start to feel guilty. At least, that’s usually true for me.

But I know for a fact that while I had a beautiful relationship with my mum, I could have done more. Been more. Show her more.
I love her. Really do. And she knew before she died.

I keep hoping she would come back – so I could try harder to be a better son. I would…I would…

But I also know that if she had not gone; if she wasn’t dead, I probably would have just gone on treating her the same way I had been.

Look, I’m tired of the ‘be strong’ ‘be a man’ that characterizes every one of my conversations these days. Don’t get me wrong; I understand completely that half the time people don’t know what to say. I understand that it’s their way of saying ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I care’ and so on. But…

It hurts. So much. So much.

As I go about my day, I still feel as though someone’s playing a mean prank on me. I still expect someone to call me from home and tell me ‘your mum is here – she just slept for a bit’. I still expect to receive a call from her asking me if I would come home and what I would like for dinner.

I still expect to wake up.

I try not to think of how long; if ever, it’ll be before I get to see her again. I…

I hope you learn to appreciate your mother and your father if you still have them; and everyone around you better after reading this. I hope you all care for people who care for you. Forgive that ex. Value that spouse. Appreciate that mother. Thank that father. Hug that son. Get to know that daughter.

It’s no use; it makes no sense sending people flowers when they can no longer smell them.

Adieu Mama.

11 responses

  1. Hey Bro! I’d gladly share/reblog/steal this, with your permission. You got through. Message sunk in. Really.

    Then I know I can’t say this enough, so I’ll say again: Eyin mama a da o.

    October 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

    • Thank you Tosin.

      Glad someone can make sense of this.

      October 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

  2. The admonition at the end is what I’ll go away with. Guilt is is no short supply :d Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece

    October 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

    • Thank you Daireen.

      Thank you much.

      October 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

  3. adesewar

    This I can totally relate to. . . May she rest in peace. Take heart!

    October 11, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    • seunodukoya

      Thank you.

      October 14, 2012 at 6:40 am

  4. its long but i hope this helps….

    From Me to You

    August 19, 2012 by theDesignBender™ | Edit

    It’s been 10 days, 10 months, 10 years
    Really not that long though…
    They say time heals all wounds…humbug!
    Such bollocks!
    Tsk…who said that again?
    Guy must have been high on cheap weed when he wrote that (with all due respect sir)

    There are somethings time never heals, you know?
    But what I think is that you make a choice and decide to move on…
    You go on and get busy with life
    Whatever it is you do-Job, School, Church…
    You meet new people, have new hobbies, travel…
    But if that thing, person or event really did matter to you, it will stay with you forever
    There’ll always be places, songs, gestures, words, pictures, bible verses, poems,…
    That will always remind you of who or what used to be
    In time, the tears will flow less frequently till they stop
    ThΕ̲̣ pain will ache so badly till they numb out
    Because you’ll come to a realization that there’s nothing you could have done about it and you’re comforted in His words…
    His words that say He’s not going to bring to you that which you can’t handle
    And you draw strength from that wisdom
    And you then face each day, knowing that no matter what you’ve lost,
    You can’t afford to loose your hope, your joy, your faith and most of all your praise
    You may never know why it happened or what went wrong,
    You just come to the realization that you must let it go- JUST LET IT GO

    You must make a conscious effort-this you must do by choice
    Whether you like it or not, you wake up everyday believing that something wonderful is going to happen in each day
    And when the storm comes and the wind don’t blow your way, adjust your sails to another direction where the wind blows and sail into a new adventure,
    Live each day to the fullest!
    Love like you’ve never loved before,
    Sing and dance with abandon like you just don’t care!
    Do something! Anything!
    Just decide to be happy, ecstatically happy!

    I don’t promise you the pain will go away
    I don’t promise you that sometimes the tears will not flow without warning
    I don’t promise you that you’ll always be spiritual about whatever challenge life brings to you
    I don’t promise that you won’t blame yourself wondering if there was something, anything you could have done to have avoided that tragedy, that mistake
    I don’t promise you also that you won’t often wonder whether you should have fought for what you believed in-
    Isn’t that what they said? ThΕ̲̣ wise ones?
    “Go after you dreams?”
    “If you don’t go after what you want you’ll never have it?”
    “Don’t quit, every difficulty is an opportunity in disguise?”
    “See it, believe it, make it happen?”
    Seriously, the wise ones who came up with these quotes forgot to put a disclaimer at the bottom- “Terms and conditions apply. This does not apply to every situation.”…
    And again I still cannot promise you that sometimes you will question Him because you still don’t understand the why, and you may never understand
    But this one thing I can promise you
    That His plans for you are good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope!
    I can promise you also that He’ll never leave you or forsake you
    And this I am so certain of and can promise without blinking- HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
    And that will never, ever change-NEVER EVER!

    October 20, 2012 at 12:20 am

    • Wow.

      Thank you so much. I appreciate your taking the time to reply something you read – it’s a very nice thing to do. Thank you.

      Yeah – I understand and I agree with what you said. After all, am I going to be mad at God?

      Thank you. God bless you richly.

      October 20, 2012 at 4:31 am

  5. Listened to Anything by Jay Z while reading this.
    When i was in my 1st year of University, i promised i’d finally buy my grandfather a TV i’d been promising myself i’d get him. He died 2 days after i came back from my first semester vacation.
    I try to keep up with calling/being in touch with my relatives this days, but i sometimes come up with excuses. I needed this reminder to reach out to my people NOW even if all the stars aren’t in alignment yet.

    February 7, 2016 at 10:07 am

    • We align the stars, my man. Do what you have to do.

      Thanks for visiting!!!

      February 7, 2016 at 1:19 pm

  6. Reblogged this on Words Above Rubies and commented:
    It makes no sense sending people flowers when they can no longer smell – Seun Odukoya

    March 23, 2016 at 1:50 pm

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