I just had to ask myself; ‘self, what the hell are you thinking?’
Or maybe the question should have been if ‘self’ was even thinking at all. I was standing in front of a Chicken Republic; that one on the corner at that Opebi traffic light. I was standing there, phone in my hand, wondering if I should climb the stairs or just walk a few steps left and be hit by a car.
I felt as though I had just done the most stupid thing a human being could think of. And the annoying thing was – there was just no point. To what I did and to what I was feeling.
I was jealous.
And I despised myself for it.
Jealousy is a poor, pathetic human feeling; a feeling reserved for the weakest of the weak. Of all the emotions; it was number two on my hate-list.
The first was pity. The third was love.
They annoyed me because I strongly believed they were the most unproductive of human emotions. Fear, anger, hate – were of better use managed correctly. All the mushy stuff…there was just no point to them. Yeah; you fall in love; he/she/they love you back; and then what?
You get played like a sucker…because nothing that good lasts forever. Nothing that good was designed to.
An okada speeds past, waking me temporarily from my day-dreaming. I climb onto the gravel patch in front of the joint to get further away from the road, and then continue in my wool gathering.
I was jealous. Why was I jealous?
What I found most bothersome was the fact that I had no right to be jealous.
Of course it was a woman. What else could put a man like me in such a state? Not even money could achieve that feat. Trust me.
But here I was; green with envy over a woman who did not even know I exist. Would you believe that?
Again, I weigh the phone in my hand, but this time my attention is taken by the security guard approaching – who looks like he cannot quite make up his mind whether to approach me or to call for help. I smiled at him.
“Don’t come any closer,” I said politely; “I’m just enjoying the view. I’ll leave when I’m ready – not before.”
The guard scampered away and my smile grew broader – and then became grim as I remembered why I was there. It really hurt; and I hated feeling that way. Traffic had started building up…signifying the end of another day but I just kept running around in my small brain thinking how I was going to get myself out of the fix I was in.
Suddenly deciding, I strode up the stairs into the Chicken Republic and got myself two chicken wraps.
And then I went to Page and drunk myself senseless.